"The perfect all-rounder"
The interview appeared in KstA Magazine on December 13, 2017.
Our culture is characterized by a multi-optional promise to the way we live our lives and the way we live our daily lives. This is also evident in the case of working mums. There are an infinite number of images and roles that a woman can take on and live today. Women love this diversity and richness of life images, and at the same time they suffer from it. They find themselves in the midst of competing role images of society - a true image battle. Due to the cultural as well as their own over-demand, women inevitably come to their limits - and not infrequently take themselves back. The study shows how strongly these fascinating images of the 'all-rounder' have an effect and what forms of solution women find in order to live up to this claim.
Ms. Langebartels, you recently led a study on working mothers. What surprised you most about the results?
How vehemently women cling to the image of the perfect all-rounder. That they want to manage most of the tasks on their own, even though it stresses them out at the same time. And that they often don't want to accept outside help.
Why are mothers so reluctant to be helped?
That is the paradox. Women aren't stupid; they know in their heads that they have to delegate, that they should give up work to their partners and children. But the image in their heads of the potent family manager is so attractive to many women that they often think they can't do otherwise. They derive a lot of esteem from it.
Where does that come from?
From the overall context of our culture. We are stuck in the digital feasibility mania. Everything seems possible, and at the same time. The digital principle has long since replaced the analog one. This results in unfulfillable demands for each of us. For women, however, these are even more acute. Yes, they are happy to have children and work at the same time. The flip side is doing justice to the many images that arise from this life model.
What are the images?
The loving mother, the tough employee, the faithful wife, the lover, the organic shopper ... The images can be continued endlessly and they compete with each other. We women would prefer to serve them all. At the same time, we are still very attached to the perfect mother image that we know from the past and transport it into our new times. But the day only has 24 hours.
So women themselves are to blame for their plight?
No one is to blame. We are all children of our time. Our society ticks like this. On the one hand, we have incredible possibilities, but at the same time we always come up against our limits. We can never be here and there at the same time.
Now in Advent, many mothers feel especially stressed.
In view of Christmas, many families want to make things perfect that did not run smoothly during the rest of the year. At least now everything should be perfect.
How is it better?
Just try out if you can't do it differently, for very banal things. Buy the cake for the school festival instead of baking it. You don't have to make your own Advent calendars for the three children, and as a mother you don't have to be present everywhere. Even cookie dough can be bought ready-made these days. Or you can get involved in baking together, enjoy it and not do a thousand other things on the side.
The question: Where can I make it easier for myself is absolutely legitimate. Women who try it out realize: even then, not everything collapses.
However, many women find this very difficult.
In our interviews for the study, we found that women often only change something after a severe blow of fate. For example, after a breakup, the death of a loved one or an illness. In such situations, we painfully realize that we don't have everything in life under control.
Wouldn't it be better to allow yourself more downtime in your everyday life beforehand?
Some women told us that the wellness weekend with their girlfriends is often just another requirement for them. That they feel the pressure of expectation: "I have to do this now so that I'm not just sitting at home." Questions like "Is this something I need? Is this something I need? Is it good for me?
However, many women have become accustomed to paying more attention to the needs of others than to their own.
Yes, that's right, they should change that. My advice is to prioritize: What is really important now? And to remember that there are different phases in life. What doesn't work now may work next year.
At the heart of the matter is the issue of appreciation. Why do we women lack it so much?
Because the activities in the household often resemble a Sisyphus work. In the evening, you don't see a finished product. If the laundry is just clean, it already becomes dirty again.
Two-thirds of your respondents feel compelled to take on the role of mother and also father at the same time. What's going on with the fathers who are supposedly so new?
One third of women feel they are single parents with a husband. But they often don't really let their partners have a go at it. Quite a few have the feeling: If my husband does it and it works, it's almost like a slight to me and makes me seem superfluous.
One woman said in your study: "For me, having a cleaning lady would be admitting that I can't do it myself."
She went even further and said: "It would be an admission that I'm a slut." But these images are changing, we are currently in a phase of upheaval. My advice is to have an honest exchange with your partner and, above all, with yourself. What are the images and expectations I have of myself and are these images still good? Do they make me happy? If the images are outdated, it's time to revise them.
But especially at Christmas, many women want everything to be the same as always.
Rituals are good and important, of course. Still, it's worth involving the family. In my family, everyone gets to choose a dish for Christmas. This is written on a piece of paper and whoever draws the paper has to cook it. That way everyone prepares something and everyone gets their favorite dish. Whenever something becomes too rigid, it's not good. Why get gifts for everyone in a mad marathon? Here, too, you can agree and wichteln, so that each
perhaps only have to get a part.
Do mothers often get in their own way?
Although many things still need to change in society, mothers at least have more potential for change in their hands than they often think. At the same time, they also love this wealth of activities. Many don't even want to be in the office all day, but find the constant alternation of working outside the home and being a family manager great. And yet they often feel overwhelmed.
Many women are extremely busy, but feel empty inside. Why?
Because life is often like a bottomless pit for them. It's never enough. They never get everything done, there's always something else on their to-do list. It would be better to have a list of all the things that have been done. Or a list of the people and things they are grateful for.
What can we learn from the men?
How relaxation works, for example. Only four percent of the women we surveyed were able to relax while doing nothing. Many men are definitely ahead of us in that respect.
What's stopping the women?
For example, the supposed expectations from the outside. If someone doesn't have children, they say: Is a life with only work enough for you? If she has children and stays at home, the question comes: Aren't you bored? If the mother works, she hears, "Don't you feel sorry for your children?
So once again, it's a matter of freeing yourself from the expectations of others.
Yes, but that's easier said than done. I remember a conversation at a Christmas party where a mother had obviously brought cookies from Ikea. Another mother asked her with a slightly smug undertone: "Well, didn't you bake them yourself? Well, I brought fruit because the children eat so many sweets at this time of year anyway." There is still a lot of room for improvement when it comes to solidarity among mothers.
It's a shame when you have to make your mark over the fruit you bring.
Here, too, it is primarily a matter of recognition. There are mothers who spend four weeks preparing for their child's birthday. One mother told us about the lunchbox battle. Every day she sticks out loaves of bread and apple slices in the shape of stars. This has created a battle for the most creative bread box. It stresses her out, but she had started it herself.
This is all fueled by the many blogs and postings, for example on Facebook and Instagram.
Of course. That's because there's very little in life today that still has a beacon function for us. Everything seems possible. At the same time, this great wealth demands a lot from us. What do I base my life on? Today, every woman and mother must decide that for herself.
The interview was conducted by Christina Rinkl.
